Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
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*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Me: I wish something of mine would go viral.
*youngest comes home from school with the flu*
Me: Not like that.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there