Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
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never forget
“tom cruise does his own stunts” ok? so do i. i just have fewer stunts to do. fewer stunts are being asked of me
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Booked a non-refundable train ticket, sadly had to cancel the trip. Accepted I would lose the train fare. As luck would have it the train I was due to travel on got cancelled. So applied for a refund even though I’d no intention of travelling. It’s the small wins.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
We gave my child a wallet with a single dollar bill to play with. She now has three dollars. I don’t know where the other two came from. Help.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.