[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
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[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.