Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.

Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin

[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]

Me: What?

Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.

Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.

day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me

This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.

Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time

Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread

My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.

Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.

Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.

My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.

I could not be more annoyed

*checks Twitter*

Ok, I’m more annoyed

I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.

If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up

Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.

if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life

i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha

*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky

My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.

Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”

Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”

2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.

Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?

Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really

Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please

King Solomon: *sweating*

me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate

professor: i meant questions about the midterm

What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.

13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.

Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is

End any unnecessary conversations by saying ‘Activate Plan B’ into your pretend shoulder radio.

A wise man once told me,

“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”

I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.

Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.