Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.

Signatures as a form of legal identification purely theatre at this point. You’re telling me I can make pretty much whatever squiggly line I want on this piece of paper and now I control my father’s pesticide company? Grow up.

WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?

ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?

Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.

cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]

I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.

*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.

Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here

Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.

I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.

I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.

If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.

is he marrying that labradoodle

HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.

I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument

me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–

detective: okay I got the picture

me: wow that was really fast

How often do you think they wash the Muppets?

When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.

I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?

*unsubscribes from newsletter*

*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*

*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*

I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.

going to the ER y’all need anything

Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*

[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*

[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*

[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …

Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling

Obama: 😳

Biden: Glow in the dark paint

SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird

“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”

Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.

I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it

Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back

When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.

It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.

They become even more annoying.

When you go on vacation because your significant other wants to and you want to avoid a fight.

Placation.