Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.

Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.

Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.

The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.

Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.

I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.

Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon

Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.

Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life

You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.

Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”

And then they eat all your fries.

When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing

One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.

Plumber: you have hard water.

Me: you mean like ice?

Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.

–Moms

Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.

*being murdered*

Him: You should of kept your mouth shut

Me: No. It’s should HAVE

*gets stabbed another 84 times*

Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?

Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!

[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?

I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.

[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”

HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever

75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them

And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy

People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.

so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha

4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns

Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool

4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away

Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit

If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?

It took me three decades to become an overnight success.

#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.

One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.

The other says: Moo!

Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.