Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.

Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.

When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next

I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.

before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?

Cop: I need another ticket book.

Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?

Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.

me: I’d like to withdraw 100K

banker: from which account

me: like whoever has the most

ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii

Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.

People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS

Website: are you a robot?

Cyborg: *sweating activated*

That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.

We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.

My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.

I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!

Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit

Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know

CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?

So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.

i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony

Polite kitties have good etiquecat

What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

Anna one, Anna two….

I’m still laughing .

Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.

I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’

Coworker: Stop

Me: collaborate and listen

Coworker: Don’t

Me: you forget about me

Coworker: Hey!

Me: teacher, leave them kids alone

A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.

Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.

“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby

Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.