Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
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Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.