Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
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[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
What?
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
All generalizations are stupid.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Best table by far
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Social distancing in Australia:
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap