Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos

My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.

Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?

Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.

I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!

#Caturday

Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field

Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”

Me: No I want to get hit by lightning

Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.

[first date]

HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?

ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?

Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point

Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints

Housework is boring, and it is futile. You make the bed, you do the dishes. Six months later, you got to start all over again. JOAN RIVERS

This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.

coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name

[serving dinner]

ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?

WIFE: Flambé?

ME: I’ve flambéd your soup

I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing

Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare

A) Re-open the park

B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park

I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.

Take a selfie with me one last time

-the sign on my casket

[War of 1812]

American: Let’s invade the British North.

Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?

A: idgaf

LATER:

My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.

My wife is just 3 days younger than me…

So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.

A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??

Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”

SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!

*brings lunch to work*

Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.

Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?

Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?

Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…

Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.

My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit

*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial

Dentists will turn to their nurses and say
‘A24 – fatal traumatic root eruption’
and then turn to you like ‘all healthy 👍’

Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE