Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.

Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”

acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog

Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.

[sitting in van]

Robber 1: Ready?

Robber 2: Let’s do this!

Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?

This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad

I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!

Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.

I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.

Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.

Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.

Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life

Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing

Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?

Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.

Waiter: Rare it is.

My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck

Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap

Me: sure

Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold

Me: I’m not an idiot

[10 minutes later]

I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID

We often get asked if we take money to promote products. Absolutely not, we always say no as that would stain our reputation. The kind of stain only Persil non bio could get out, even at low temperatures.

[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]

You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?

If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend

If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.

Me taking notes in a meeting 😅

You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.

In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.

Person: *yelling at me*

Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better

Person: *abruptly shutting up*

[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me

This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.

How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?

Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.

My company promotes diversity

We’d never hire twins