Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.

I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.

The wasps relocated from the grill to the patio umbrella. Someone needs to talk to them about their life choices but it’s not going to be me cause they can sting you over and over and My Girl you and then go on with their lives like nothing

No, of course I’m not mad.

It’s fine.

*goes home, starts building a Death Star.

As the best book lists of 2021 drop

[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]

“what are you doing inside my house?”

I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.

I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.

Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.

Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.

*drives to liquor store

Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.

Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.

Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor

HEYYYY MACARENA

I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.

if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm

People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.

Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.

Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.

Me: Go wake up your mother.

Son: No way man…no way.

Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.

Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”

The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.

[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine

Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.

My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone

We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.

CAT 911: What’s your emer-

CAT: THE PERSON PET ME

CAT 911: What were you doing?

CAT: SLEEPING

CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE

CAT: I HATE PEOPLE

waiter: need help with the menu?

me: yes, what’s this word here

waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir

me: and how is that prepared

My gf wouldn’t see the last Batman movie with me until we’d had our eighth restaurant date

Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman

(after sex)

Would you mind completing this brief survey?

Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.