Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.

If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?

*controversially pours a glass of milk*

People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.

*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy

Risking my life for fun.

My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice

Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.

Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.

Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.

Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.

V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”

I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.

If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.

A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.

Them: you smell nice

Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve

Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.

Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.

Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.

*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*

“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”

Wife: omg it’s happening

Me: what is?

*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*

Wife: the baby is coming

Me: what?!

Wife: the baby is coming right now

Me: you’re not pregnant!

*door creaks open*

Wife: run

Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”

Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack

[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”

Me: “Am I pretty?”

3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”

Me: “Am I handsome?”

3-year-old: “No.”

*looks gift horse in the mouth

Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.

Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.

Just read an article that said, “As the 2030s loom nearer,” and it was so rude.

Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.

Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.

Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?

💀😭

So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.