cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
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I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
unironically true. mcdonalds ice cream machines are made by Taylor Company, which prohibits mcdonalds locations from repairing the machines, so they have to call Taylor to have them fixed for a fee. the machine’s purpose is not to make ice cream, its purpose is to need repairs
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.