Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.

I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.

What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.

What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow

FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.

PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.

[lightning strike super close to our house]

5-year-old: Missed me.

People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old

popsicle not seeing heaven 😭

If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.

I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.

Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy

Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?

Him: Just flush him down the toilet

Me: Gotcha. And the fish?

If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant

Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember

Things will get butter, keep churning

Them: you should buy crypto

Me:

Them: ok sell it now

Me:

Them: nvm buy it back

Me:

Them: OMG SELL IT

Me: [pulls AirPods out] what

[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs

“You take pills because you’re crazy”

“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”

I do want to see supervillain origin stories as films. But not the tragic event that forever warped their minds.
I want to see them, like, a few days after they decided to become villains and start trying to source goons, try out costume themes, real organizational stuff.

Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.

Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.

It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.

me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing

*unwraps Babybel*

The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:

1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..

You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!

Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler

Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.

My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.

It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.

“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”

me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby