cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
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just got my engagement photos
problems i need
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
wow
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Me as a therapist: omg same
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
I love my family: I bought a really cool green gourd at the grocery store on the way to the beach & everyone’s first thought is we need to do a photo shoot of the gourd on the beach
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Currently in the moving elevator when I noticed this sign
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.