Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[grocery store]
Cashier: hi there

Customer: hello

Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol

My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.

I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.

trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter

An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but you are valued and you are loved.

Unless you talk on speakerphone in public.

In which case, everyone hates you.

[ explaining The Plan ]

jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs

god: look man, these ppl are idiots

My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.

Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming

[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]

Me: I got killed by a shark once

Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house

You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse

‘I just need like two minutes!’

~me, lying

I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops

Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.

Authorities claim that a Canadian company is at the centre of an international pyramid scheme. The company hasn’t responded to the accusation, but they did ask two people to respond for them, and each one asked two people to respond for *them*, and so on.

[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *

The job market has never been worse and LinkedIn still thinks it’s smart to send notifications like “you got a message! It’s an ad btw!” If this website existed in the physical realm I would hit it with my car

the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming

I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.

Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.

What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

Anna one, Anna two….

I’m still laughing .

[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie

[My death bed]

*loved ones sobbing*

Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.

Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

I bought a fridge magnet but it’s yet to attract a single fridge.

Customer: can you help me?

Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?

We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.

Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.

Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!

*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*

Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.

Two out of three ain’t bad.

So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.

Apparently.