Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.

That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.

My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺

HER: what are you doing?

ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?

*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.

I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast

Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.

“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.

90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan

If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.

Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?

Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.

*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*

[Texting]

Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?

Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing

Him: That’s hot

Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.

I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.

Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.

Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open

My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick

your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me

FRIEND: what’s new?

ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company

FRIEND: hertz?

ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does

Just tried a “sorry this is my first day” to a customer’s question and he was like I saw you here two weeks ago!

They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update

Responding to any and all emails with ‘wow ok’

[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.

when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak

So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley

Someone had to say it 🤷‍♂️

My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.

maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins

my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire