@ArielDumas

Cat: What are you doing?

Me: Nothing.

Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.

Me: No

Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.

Me: No way.

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@jazmasta

[emergency room]
“We need to put pressure on the wound!”
[to wound] We’ve been together 6 months now, I think we should move in together”

@JustDontBugMe

My refrigerator has an excessive amount of leftovers for someone that eats as much as I do.

@QuiteQuietOne

I just peed in my bath. But don’t worry, I won’t drink the water.

– 4 year old logic

@PleaseBeGneiss

Me: maybe we should let it live

Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?

Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale

Ahab: …ha

Me: haha

Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez

Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot

Ahab: oh like immediately

@aka_fatman

Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.

Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.

Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!

@seamusmckracken

My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.

@Dawn_M_

“Women don’t like me, idk why?”
“Maybe it’s because they sense you’re a psycho who will decapitate their cat?”
“No, that can’t be it.”