Cat: What are you doing?

Me: Nothing.

Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.

Me: No

Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.

Me: No way.

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*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.


I hope I die doing something extreme like climbing Mt. Everest or telling a woman I don’t like her new haircut.


Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.


What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.


My life is like a beautiful piece of furniture from IKEA. Once I figure out how to put it all together, I may get to actually enjoy it.


How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”


Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.


I don’t like dictatorships. All dictators should be shot, and if anybody disagrees with me, they should be shot as well.


Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters


They say all of this started because Eve ate an apple.

Clearly, the book was altered.

Everyone knows it had to be chocolate.