“We need to put pressure on the wound!”
[to wound] We’ve been together 6 months now, I think we should move in together”
Cat: What are you doing?
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
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A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
My refrigerator has an excessive amount of leftovers for someone that eats as much as I do.
I just peed in my bath. But don’t worry, I won’t drink the water.
– 4 year old logic
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
“Women don’t like me, idk why?”
“Maybe it’s because they sense you’re a psycho who will decapitate their cat?”
“No, that can’t be it.”
One man’s cougar is another man’s grandmother.