@ArielDumas

Cat: What are you doing?

Me: Nothing.

Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.

Me: No

Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.

Me: No way.

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@coketruck76

*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.

@SergioValenCo

I hope I die doing something extreme like climbing Mt. Everest or telling a woman I don’t like her new haircut.

@TheAlexNevil

Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.

@DeadLioness

What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.

@drunktweets81

My life is like a beautiful piece of furniture from IKEA. Once I figure out how to put it all together, I may get to actually enjoy it.

@Mardigroan

How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”

@DevilryFun

Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.

@Grind_n_Roll

I don’t like dictatorships. All dictators should be shot, and if anybody disagrees with me, they should be shot as well.

@Cpin42

Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters

@TheDailySchmuck

They say all of this started because Eve ate an apple.

Clearly, the book was altered.

Everyone knows it had to be chocolate.