Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
You Might Also Like
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]