Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back

Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?

My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…

My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.

I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it

Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.

Time for bed!
*puts phone down*

Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*

[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty

[Running out of gas in the desert]

Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.

Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.

Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.

While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.

willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen

me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail

willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-

me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed

willy wonka:

me: how did- how could they have prepared

If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands

*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!

*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!

woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows

Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.

Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill

Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?

If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other

Probably the best newspaper correction ever

#BritishSausageWeek

I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking

(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years

Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”

A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.

People on Facebook Nowadays:

*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*

*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?

who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?

“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”

Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”

Me: That is a dank whale

Date: That’s a killer whale

Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce

Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”

My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”

Facebook-

You: Going to a concert tonight!

Friend: Sweet, what concert?

Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO

No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper

I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.