Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.

I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…

My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.

A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.

*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror*

*returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3

[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy

“I’m an actress”

I watched your web series, and I disagree.

There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.

You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives

I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me

i now pronounce you bounced.

Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me

Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.

“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife

Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.

The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s

telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life

Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.

Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person

Me: ok

[Later]

Her: Hi!

Me: Hi you look uglier online

Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.

Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!

just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers

i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”

Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.

selena gomez

My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison

[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls

You think you’re raising your kids right, and then one of them decides to be a fan of your football team’s arch rival.

On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.