Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
You Might Also Like
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Relax. Luxuriate rebelliously.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
I had to Stop for this
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out