Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT![]()
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Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
When your kids embarrass you in public, the only viable course of action is to turn away in disgust, muttering “who raised you?!” just loudly enough for everyone to hear
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
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Lol.
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“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
i want to work in this restaurant
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The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.