Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s no “u” in narcissist

Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?

Me: I was only going one way…

Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school

I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.

Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.

The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars

11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”

The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.

I burn TV dinners every night so my husband thinks it’s “homemade”.

I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.

Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.

– news stations

My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?

Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*

My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”

What is going on? 😅

Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.

Nobody:

My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.

Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.

🤣

Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.

But it’s definitely up there.

Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.

Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.

Dear Tech Support,

I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?

I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.

LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone

SERVER: you’re a DOG

The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet

[Sperm Bank]

DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy

ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.

Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.

ME: [watching tv]

FRIEND: You should turn it on tho

bury ourselves

3yo: I want to help!

Me: You can help by being quiet.

3yo:

Me:

3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!