Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
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When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out