Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm

I’m a new werewolf and I have questions

-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods

When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.

I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.

NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?

ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]

I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.

I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.

VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.

ME: I can’t run either.

Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins

Me: i’m taking a plane Linda

*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*

My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?

My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.

They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.

Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.

*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?

Why my coworker hates me:

He sends meeting invite for 2pm.

I propose new time of 2:03.

He revises, sends update.

I decline meeting.

My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”

Him: I’m over the moon

Werewolf doctor: you’re cured

Turn off autocorrect?

Challinje aceptid.

Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?

*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*

HR: We need to talk about your attire.

Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.

I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.

There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours

noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking

I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.

I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.

Hashtag blessed.

If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.

Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X

Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.

dr frankenstein: it’s alive!

igor: great! what should we name him

dr frankenstein: uh we won’t

igor: idk might lead to some confusion

dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up

If it hurts you more than it hurts them then you are holding the taser wrong