Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
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me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
New comic up. “Ransom”
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
How do I tell my family I think it’s best if we start seeing other families.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]