Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.

“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.

My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.

[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name

They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle

I got a call the other day from my daughter asking if I could keep her kids over the long weekend so I said that would be fine

I don’t have a daughter, so some poor bastard is getting stuck with kids this weekend that he’s not ready for

yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up

I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.

The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”

I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.

*talking to a baby*

Me: Can you say ‘dog’

Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’

When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.

the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product

Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.

[boss’s office]

I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?

“No, sir”

I like your style, Murray.

If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services

[texting]

Him: What’re you doing

Me: Watching a chicken strip

H: Why don’t you just eat it

M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD

Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.

Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need

*zoom meeting*

Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion

Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening

what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings

*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*

When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.

Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.

Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.

i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar

Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.

My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA

SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about

My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on

Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles

God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher

It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.

Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this