Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
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T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
There’s a couple that met at my wedding 2 years ago, I just found out they got married yesterday & I wasn’t invited…. Ungrateful people
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Untrue. I’ve already gotten gastro at several Sydney pubs.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
me 2 months after i graduated
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.