Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
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I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Just saw a sign in a car saying “Baby On Board”
That’s no way to run a business, is it?
Presumably it’s a non-executive role.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
not holding the door for the person right behind you and letting it slam onto them: objectively inconsiderate and so easy to avoid
holding the door for someone who’s like 30 feet away: a blatant act of terrorism
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”