Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.

I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.

[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]

“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”

I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets

facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks

Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.

Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?

Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.

What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?

don’t message me unless you have this energy

If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.

We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us

Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.

applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”

If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.

SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.

HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?

SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.

HK: Is…is that so?

*distant Wagner music*

lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw

Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.

[terrible nursing home]

Old guy: How did you end up here?

Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.

Him: *gasps* You monster.

Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019

Choose your fighter!

Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.

You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.

Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.

My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.

him: 911, what’s your emergency

me: a home invasion

him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes

me: they’re armed

him: 5 minutes

me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under

swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]

“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”

Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.

TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem

ME: *raising hand confidently* no

My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day

i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.

Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.

Meat Cute