Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”

captain: hand in your gun

me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger

[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks

I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.

I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.

C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.

Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.

I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”

‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans

[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]

Me: diamond bracelet?

Clerk: $10,000

Me: cubic zirconia?

Clerk: $5,000

Me: glass?

Clerk: $2,000

Me: beaded plastic?

Clerk: $1,000

[later]

Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?

Me: I made it myself : )

Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.

I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.

[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?

Using gorilla glue on my next relationship

I am just a man.

Standing in front of a cat.

Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.

“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend

My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.

For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.

When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.

Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.

“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”

Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?

Me: *never blinks again*

Walking home and massively drunk after a rubbish party, my life not the best it’s ever been, when a dog barked at me from someone’s garden, I barked back and ended up in a blazing row with it, all in dog language. God knows what its owners must’ve thought.

Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”

And he can, he can hold them all.

Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.

Commits all the murders so I can be most wanted by somebody.

only baby boomers will get this:

*pension*

I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire

Botany good plants lately?