Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
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Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Chillin in his camper van,
Kickin back, drinkin booze,
Head to toe in sweet tattoos.
Hang on,
That is not Spider-Man.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
The rain is falling sideways here right now and the biting wind is freezing. Margo from catering has been staring through the window for the past hour, absolutely transfixed. I should probably unlock the door and let her in.
#StormAshley
Guessing they were Navy Seals in a past life
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
