Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
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Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”