Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
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In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
do married people watch gen z dating and feel like they caught the last chopper out of Nam
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.