“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
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I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
guys I’m going home
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup