catch me on valentine’s day like
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clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
*Inspirational Tweets*
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Popped in on my parents and caught them watching and somewhat enjoying Big Bang Theory. I’ve never felt more betrayed.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana