catch me on valentine’s day like
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It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
first caveman to see fire: well this is a buncha bullshit that no one needs (stomps it out) and i predict that’s the last i’ll ever see of that
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.