Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.

Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real

[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute

*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store

karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello

“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.

Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.

Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser

That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.

Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.

[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirt

Interviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?

A Brady Bunch prequel, but it’s a dark Netflix series about what really happened to Mike and Carol’s first spouses.

[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER!

[1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.

I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.

Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job

Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now

The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.

Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me

At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.

I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.

Life is hard.

[War of 1812]

American: Let’s invade the British North.

Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?

A: idgaf

LATER:

Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.

I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.

Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.

[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]

Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened

Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!

If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤

so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement

We have a tornado watch but all my neighbors are walking outside so will be a nice heads-up when I see them all fly past my window.

[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]

her: *glares*

me: you’re late