Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
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me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
I didn’t come here to be called names
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?