Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”

Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”

Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.

THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…

ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”

You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.

CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me

Villian: one false move and you’re history

Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you

I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.

mugger: gimme your wallet

me: me or her?

mugger: I don’t care

me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner

Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.

Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.

Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.

My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.

i have one speed and it’s mosey

With prices going up and wages staying the same, I want to share some important information with you all. I know a place where you can still get gas for under $4

Taco Bell

when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks

911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.

Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does

Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?

Me: Yes but

Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?

Me: What you have to understand is

Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”

Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?

[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding

Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?

HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful

Me: They are going to pay for saying that

CANADA WATCHING US NEWS

[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop

The Universe can have my atoms back.

I don’t want them anymore.

If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.

When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring

[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]

[scientist decodes message in the signal]

“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”

Me: What did you do at school today?

4yo: Nothing

M: You must have done something.

4: I don’t remember.

[Bedtime]

M: Goodnight.

4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*

If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.