@CoolCamel69

*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”

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@longwall26

*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?

@CarolinaSong

Not tryin to impress anyone BUT the priest did just say I had the “body of Christ” right before he fed me a cracker. Gym has been paying off

@BakedBrotatoes

[Judas standing alone waiting to be picked for dodgeball]

-Come on it was one time guys

*Jesus drags the CPR dummy to his side of the gym*

@trentistweeting

“doctor, help! my son shattered one of his kneecaps!”
it’s ok, the human body can survive on one kid-knee

@zachreinert03

My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money

@BlindChow

Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.

@3sunzzz

Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.

@captainkalvis

Me [sees a lemonade stand]: one sec i’m pulling over

Other EMT: *stops giving CPR* oh hell yeah