*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
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No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
A short story of betrayal:
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.