Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.

[At the register]

“Find everything ok?”

“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”

I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.

I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive

I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.

Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.

[job interview]

“What’s your biggest weakness?”

“My honesty”

“I don’t think-”

“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”

My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.

The funk soul brother

The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.

WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?

ROCK HARD ABS!!!

WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?

RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!

What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?

Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water

J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials

Me: What did you do at school today?

My kid: Nothing.

School FB page: *photo of him riding in a fire engine*

My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.

I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.

[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]

Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.

We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.

Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.

I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.

His name is Dave.

Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.

I really would love to see two mimes arguing

Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.

People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?

[ first time mugging ]

me: gimme all your mash

him: did..did you just say-

me: mash. omg i did

him: lol

me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry

him: np my dude, take it from the top

me: gimme all your coney ope

Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct

Occam’s toothbrush: show off

While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off

When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…

to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.