*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”

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[Mother’s Day text to my wife]

Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?


Whenever I wake up in a bad mood I always wear a shirt I don’t like just in case I turn into The Hulk.


I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”


This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.


TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.


Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”

Me: “To see if I can read minds?”


ME: We were doing the spaghetti thing from Lady and the Tramp! Ever heard of romance?

MANAGER: Sir, you cannot kiss a dog in my restaurant.


me: lol THAT’S your sword?

enemy: this blade can cut through steel

me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot


Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.


It’s freezing in my office, I wish I owned a Samsung Note 7.