*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
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Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Beware of fowl play.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions