@murrman5

*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”

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@simoncholland

[Mother’s Day text to my wife]

Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?

@SacamanoB

Whenever I wake up in a bad mood I always wear a shirt I don’t like just in case I turn into The Hulk.

@Caissie

I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”

@mrmxy

This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.

@RachelWenitsky

TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.

@Rollinintheseat

Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”

Me: “To see if I can read minds?”

@therealeatwood

ME: We were doing the spaghetti thing from Lady and the Tramp! Ever heard of romance?

MANAGER: Sir, you cannot kiss a dog in my restaurant.

@climaxximus

me: lol THAT’S your sword?

enemy: this blade can cut through steel

me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot

@ImAlexOliver

Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.

@Taco_Tatas

It’s freezing in my office, I wish I owned a Samsung Note 7.