*catches smallpox*

oh no

*catches bigpox*


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[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy


“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.


Motherhood means never questioning why you found a Stormtrooper in the toilet just now


that fuzzy feeling when he puts his arm around u for the first time and then his other arm and then his other arm then u realize HE A SPIDER


I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..

Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.


honey the ppl of atlantis lost an entire city & thats like 2000x bigger than a baby so idk if all this yellin is necessary


Schools should teach mandatory classes on when a phone conversation is done.


if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.


Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!


*Food hits floor* Little germs: GET IT!!! King Germ: NO! We must wait 5 seconds!