@HavocMantis

*catches smallpox*

oh no

*catches bigpox*

OH NO

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@david8hughes

[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy

@FrogAvalanche

“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.

@belleykell

Motherhood means never questioning why you found a Stormtrooper in the toilet just now

@runolgarun

that fuzzy feeling when he puts his arm around u for the first time and then his other arm and then his other arm then u realize HE A SPIDER

@Jayson_Two_time

I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..

Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.

@SaulKewl

honey the ppl of atlantis lost an entire city & thats like 2000x bigger than a baby so idk if all this yellin is necessary

@kumailn

Schools should teach mandatory classes on when a phone conversation is done.

@seanforhire

if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.

@ObscureGent

Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!

@AlanHungover

*Food hits floor* Little germs: GET IT!!! King Germ: NO! We must wait 5 seconds!