*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
You Might Also Like
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
Weirdos gonna weird.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
it may seem bad right now, but at least everyone is armed. and completely unhinged.
Not😆🤣
yes, those are my real potatoes.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
plums roundup
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Tickling is the most absurd bodily function.
Here, let me use feathers to completely incapacitate you.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.