Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.

*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”

My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.

Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.

Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!

Marriage: When dating goes too far.

why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods

I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.

Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅

What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus

Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal

Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal

Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?

Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands

If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.

eats a dozen doughnuts…

*checks for flabs*

~At a snowboarding store.

Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.

Me: i know

Him:…

Me: Wait, what, oh the board…

Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…

*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*

I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her

Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]

[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual looking

ME: Yeah, he’s interbred

DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread

“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”

~Bamm Bamm

tad speechless. husband just woke me up from my football nap by holding a warm piece of pizza under my nose until the smell got me sniffing and twitching like a dog. “I can’t believe that worked”

Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you

My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .

After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now

[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that

Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG

Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?

Me: That’s when I went to Yale.

Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.

Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.

Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.

WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT