Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand

Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?

Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month

[house hunting]

Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!

Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!

Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint

Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.

The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.

The program was great. Not only did we have a yabba dabba doo time but we had a gay old time.

Batman: what’s your power

Superman: *removes glasses*

Batman: woah where’d the nerd go

Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there

[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin

So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.

10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”

8: “That’s not a real year.”

It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.

Decided to eat outside and a gust of wind just blew half my salad away. Welcome to British summer.

me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together

veggies in my fridge:

*sails into the Bermuda Triangle and disappears*

*an hour later*

7yo: Oh, there you are. Can I play video games?

[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ

[first day as a Detective]

me: omg he was invisible

partner: that’s a chalk outline

me: [under breath] and they stole the body

sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life

Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth

Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO

customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any

me: that’s how good they are

customer: the cage door is open

me: *looking around nervously* oh no

I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date

No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.

Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.

🙀

Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero

Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.

*Facebook down*

Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories