*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
You Might Also Like
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
We’re only a short time away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure