Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.

Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.

What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*Quicksand

What I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”

Still my favorite headline of all time:

I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.

You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.

[first day in prison]

me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open

guard: what

I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.

My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.

I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.

Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣

Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called

Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.

What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?

got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price

Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid

aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out

if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out

Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.

[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training

Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”

“Remember Robert from work?”

Yeah..he was a douche.

“He died.”

WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!

My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!

Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.

Then tell the lion.

You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical

Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started

ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: ready

ME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet

Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.

My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”

Dentist appointments are so weird. “Hi nice to meet you could you root around in my mouth for a bit?”

Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.

I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.