Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.

hi. the. headline. wants. you. to. be. mad. that’s. how. it. makes. money.
🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷

My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.

If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.

Everyone buries their problems in different ways.

I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.

[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday

worst…sale…ever

Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?

You don’t know what you’re missing

ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year

my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad

I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head

Win some, lose some

I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.

Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.

God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously

If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.

Had to submit an essay, in order to graduate. It was a write of passage.

Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?

Him: “… I slept on the couch.”

Mmmm yeahh

I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.

Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?

Paid. Gamer. Leave.

Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).

Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎

i may live alone but I keep the toilet seat DOWN in case a woman burglar needs to use it

Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.

What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?

*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”

[courtroom]

me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ

judge: pardon?

me: omg thank you

per my last wtf

Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.

“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”

According to math, I’m broke

Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs

whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave

My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.