[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
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no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Both of my boys are heading back to college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
i was at dumbass island and everyone knew you lol. why was i at dumbass island? uh well uhhh. well. well uhhhh. fuck. uhhhh
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath