[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
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“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
My daughter had a before school donut party for track and an after school ice cream party for orchestra so I asked her if she had anything else coming up?
My 10 y/o as he walks by… “Diabetes probably.”
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?