Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
me: more teeth
dentist: what
me: *recording video* no skimping now
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
It must be so weird to be straight or gay.. like ur just not attracted to half of hot people?
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Deleting contacts from my phone is like getting rid of jeans that I delusionally think I’ll be able to fit again–
–what if I need to call my old Dairy Queen manager from high school about an important life dilemma? What if?!
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
