Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
I know VERY basic Japanese.
When I got to Japan, I tried a Japan exclusive Starbucks drink. My bf is allergic to nuts so in perfect Japanese I asked,
“does this have nuts in it?
The cashier said “ooh, nut allergy?” (In Japanese)
I responded…..
“Sí.”
…
I HAVE NO WORDS 😭
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Erm…
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
