Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
I open a fancy cigarette case and offer you a stick of beef jerky.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
