Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*jurassic park meeting

CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.

Suit: We could build another park…

*long silence

CEO: Genius.

just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch

Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.

NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored

sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested

One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.

Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?

Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts

“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.

Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.

The charge in my beard trimmer died before I finished and I’ve never felt more sympathetic to women in my entire life.

You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.

[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks

I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin

HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly

how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article

Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?

God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT

Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*

I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.

Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat

If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.

Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.

– Why they wear masks

I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”

A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.

Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.

Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.

Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?

Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.

I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.

Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.