Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.

Not allowed near mannequins anymore

All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.

doctor: what seems to be the problem

me: it seems like u should be telling me

I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.

My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine

Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.

It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.

My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining

Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!

I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming

Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?

Me: Why would I want another empty glass?

[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on

I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.

[JOB INTERVIEW]

{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}

“What would you say is your biggest fault?”

San Andreas?

[human resources]

Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?

Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot

When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.

[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]

Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.

9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.

I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.

I had a weird smell once…

A rodent crawled up under my car and got into the heat/air unit and died there.

I was trying to use my AC and blowing dead animal air at myself.

You know how long it takes to get rid of hot dead rotting rat smell?

3 months. Three

My parents moved a lot when I was younger.

My sister and I always managed to track them down though.

“Hi, I’d like to ask a question.”
“That’s why I’m here.”
“Actually, first I’d like to make a statement.”
“Sorry, this is the questions desk. You’ll need to take that to the statements desk.”
“Uh-huh and where’s that?”
“Not sure. I’d say ask them, but they don’t take questions.”

I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.

“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities

I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.

I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.

He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”

I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.

If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.

This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”

What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.

Me: Forever young!

Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.

Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.

*hears dogs bark*

“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”