Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HR: Can you explain why your drug test shows incredibly high levels of THC?

Me: Tennessee Hot Chicken? Yeah, I eat that every time I get high.

I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact

He living his best life

My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.

[my first attempt at standup]

ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…

MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t

[speed dating]
Me “Why are you covered in blood?”
Her “it’s just a conversation starter!
Me:…
Her: And it worked! So… what blood type are you?”

Instead of “Take Your Child To Work Day” there should be a “Take Your Therapist To Work Day” so they can see exactly what you’ve been talking about

Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively

Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.

I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.

if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?

ME: alexa, make it quieter

*music gets way too quiet*

ME: alexa, make it louder

*music gets super loud*

ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter

ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?

ME: jesus christ

ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts

An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole

Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.

friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me

You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.

My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more

When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..

no such thing as a dumb question

Urban Dictionary defines Heck:

Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.

Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.

Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there

[toddler birthday party]

Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?

Wife: mine’s-

Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?

Wife: -432 months.

I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?

Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.

Weirdly Wednesday.

Lord they down here giving us bills every month after you already paid the price

The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal

[in HR]

We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”

People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.