*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
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When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
WHY?!
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
Feeling betrayed because my kid found my stash of Reese’s peanut butter cups that I originally took from his stash
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
My mom texted me to say “we called a guy to help us with passions in the basement.”
It took me forever to figure out she meant type “possums.” Thanks for the lovely mental picture, autocorrect.
[first day at CIA]
Do you have a weapon of mass destruction boy cuz I’d like to invade?
[last day at CIA & permanent resident on No Fly list]
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Husband: can I have a taste?
Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.