*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
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Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”