Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
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I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen