Catercrombie & Fish
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Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
I just ate the last piece of cheese in the fridge and it’s cloudy outside.
🎶 Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”