*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
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Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Stephen King’s It is the bone chilling story about adults who are forced to spend time with their childhood friends.