Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?

People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?

I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together

Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.

Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.

If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?

You go home because it’s your favorite one being used

Math is easy

[Jesus as a Doordash driver]

[Eats your fish and chips]

[Delivers double your original order]

[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss

I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.

interviewer: can you type fast?

me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words

hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park

A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo

Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street

Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.

My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!

I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.

See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple

Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.

Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”

I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.

~Psychopaths.

Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is

Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section

We just upgraded our iPhones so now I’ll be able to do the exact same things I did with my old phone but for an extra $23 a month.

“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”

[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.

CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.

ME: No thanks.

CASHIER: It comes with free refills.

ME: I do like free refills…

People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”

“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.

Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.

A woman at the grocery store, who upon seeing my daughter’s blue eyes asked where she got them from, looked at both me and my husband, and then actually said out loud “did the milk man visit your mom?” What the actual fuck lady.