Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text

Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.

Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?

Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit

vegan witches, happy halloween!

My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.

Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.

To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.

My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.

So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter

me: someone stole my glasses

cop: what did they look like

me: blurry

meeting beyonce and telling her i loved her in goldmember and mentioning nothing about her music career just to see if it throws her off

Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.

Tv: He is in cardiac arrest

My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart

Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy

Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.

My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.

Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home

You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.

*first day in a Vegas poker tournament

Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet

4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy

About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.

“Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine!”

No, I’m at a desk reading your email.

nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight

vampires: what the hell

If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.

doc: i think you’re dying

me: I want a second opinion

doc: i think it’s great

Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy

No one:

Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”

When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.