Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME *enters new password*

COMPUTER: Ok

M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?

C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind

For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.

The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath

They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.

WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.

ME: Thanks.

WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.

No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.

Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse

[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?

“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”

But…I’m Swedish!

“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.

My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.

[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*

Hey, we never talked in high school!

Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!

JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!

[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt

[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts

“baby on board” ok well can you tell him to drive faster

Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*

I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared

Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back

Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away

A bird: you’ve got me there

Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is

A bird: pardon

Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?

Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.

Me: I’m a haredresser

Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?

Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?

My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.

[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist

Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.

[looking at photo album]

Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy

Son: Why is your hair spiky…

Daughter: …and long in the back?

Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;

And the way I did it.

8am: plain egg whites

1pm: greek yogurt

6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies

12am: every damn snack on earth

I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.

I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.

Are you there, bankrupt business? It’s me, Spirit Halloween.