Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”

a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place

There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.

My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs

gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic

me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef

Siri: Retweet me.

People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.

“I hate karaoke.”

“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”

“Now, I hate you too.”

I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?

They irony of being hit by a Dodge.

Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.

love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.

Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?

BF: just turn it around.

When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.

“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.

[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*

“How are you doing on Depends bud?”

Them: what kind of friend are you?
Me: idk Phoebe maybe

Why did the Christmas cake disappear?

It was stollen.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes

I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.

[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?

{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?

ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.

Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.

me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that

Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)

Me: Mmm, this tastes good.

Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!

*on a first date*

Me: I’m in financ-

Her: oh finance that’s cool

Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt

me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting

me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now

People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.

For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.

Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?

Me: It’s for arson, I swear!

Mom: It’d better be!

Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.

Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.