Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Amazon review of the Solar System

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”

My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.

In a parallel universe, Mariah Carey is doing her shopping and is sick of hearing me on every store’s speaker system.

spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try

Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home

**Pixar Film Themes Guide**

Toy Story: Jealousy

WALL-E: Environmentalism

Up: Bereavement

Cars: Cars

MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.

My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.

me: dogs have 4 legs

her:

me: so do tables

her: ok

me: so dogs are tables

her: no

me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen

The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.

Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.

ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me

“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”

I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.

Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.

Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name

Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us

My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break

I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be

“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”

They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.

This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life

All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.

I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.

Dr. Pepper just unseated Pepsi as the second most popular soda in America.

Don’t tell me that getting your PhD isn’t worth it.

Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack

eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.

Did it again.

Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes

70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.

People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.

Just cleaned out my desk.

Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.

Good news: I found the plane!

“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”

– said no mom, ever