Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.

A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.

5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.

Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child

“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”

Me: Only 12 months to go

Remember folks 😂

“Can I have $20?”

-how teenagers say hello

I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.

WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing

Don’t talk to me about pain, I once had to teach my boomer mother that she can rewind her tv program and kept repeating “NO it WON’T effect anyone else who is watching it, mum”

My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.

My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire

superterriblemorningexpialidocious

🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall

Me: I roll to attack.

Him: That’s not a thing in fantasy football.

Me: Oh. Well, then I cast fireball.

Him: Again, that’s not how this game works. Just pick some players for your team.

Me: Can I pick our quest, too? I hear Minnesota is being attacked by Vikings.

If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff

He’d keep us in line

Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*

Boss: WTH?!

Me: It’s Natl Bully Month

Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!

Me: well this is awkward

*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*

Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!

Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?

Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…

I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.

WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???

[first day as a wizard]

me: babe I said I was sorry

frog: >:(

I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters

Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.

Squirrels before girls.

My daughter said it’s 11:11 make a wish and my son said I wish everyone would shut up so I think he’s ready for adulthood now.

me: can you calm down

The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot

I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.

Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.

My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.

My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.