Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”

If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.

Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:

– Tweezers

Me: did you know cows have best friends?

Wife: really?

Me: yep!

Wife: how do you know that?

[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].

Me: I’m glad you asked : )

Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”

I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.

Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.

checking out some reviews of my local library

*God creating the rhino*

God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.

Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.

Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.

Me: Do you need a sample?

Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat

Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste

Did you dream of me, baby?

-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?

No, silly.

-Then no.

If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.

“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.

I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.

My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.

people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like

I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers

…until I’m driving.

“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”

I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.

If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.

me: i wanna see how high this cliff is

Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead

me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air

Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-

me: what

Charles Darwin:

me: that could what Charles

I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.

I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.

To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.

Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.

My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.

suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself

the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.

he taught us drama alright.

I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.