Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.

I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.

I wish gyms had a “montage” option

Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi

Chameleon: hold on.

You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.

Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV

Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.

Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right

When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river

Some cool things about NYC are that it’s the nation’s largest city, an international cultural and economic hub, and right now there are about 8 people left running it

This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.

[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”

I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.

Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.

Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.

I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.

2024 was a year of tremendous personal growth. I’m up four pants sizes since January.

You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.

[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?

What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven

I distinctly remember someone asking me to do them a favor and me responding with an enthusiastic “consider it done”…but that was a few weeks ago and I can’t remember who asked or what the favor was 😬

friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid

me: wow, that’s hardcore

There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.

ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.

Passport agent:

you spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”

My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.

Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.

when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u

I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.

If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I

[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”

Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.