Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.

My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!

Me: Will you marry me?

Her: No

Backing singers: She said no! she said no!

Me: Not now

I’m completely naked under all this pizza.

16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’

Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’

I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk

THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.

Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.

“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist

on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me

Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-

-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall

Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?

“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.

Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips

Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*

I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest

Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”

Top Five Accountant Taboos:

5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex

No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.

You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.

I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.

my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.

guy in this cafe has been trying to chat to two young girls and when he asked where they were from and what they were doing in liverpool they dramatically revealed that they’re doing mormon missionary work and are now trying to convert him. never seen a power move like it

Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?

Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”

My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”

It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”

*holding a hose*

Husband: What are you doing?

Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.

Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?

Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.

Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?

*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*

Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family