Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.

ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?

a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready

Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.

Interviewer: Why should we hire you?

Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.

So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?

Dieting is bullshit.

everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe

So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.

becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now

I love the honesty

Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.

No one:

My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.

A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.

I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.

I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be

“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”

They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.

KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?

BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…

4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or

A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.

I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.

me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?

moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.

I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.

I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.

Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.

Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard

*sees locks of hair on floor*

*looks at daughter*

*looks at American Girl doll*

“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”

My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.

I bet birds love this building.

Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over

I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go

This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice