Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines

If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.

Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.

The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.

Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats

The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.

Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.

(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)

Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.

*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?

My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.

I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.

wife’s secretary: she’s in a meeting but I can take a message
me out of breath: there’s a cricket in da house

*date night*

Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!

Me: …omelettes 🙁

[Wendy’s]

Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy

CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons

Ladies, if he’s never gonna:

-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt you

He’s not your man, he’s tacos

“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”

I’m going to clean *the house

*my glasses

Acronyms got me like WTF?

[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…

Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?

Windows Explorer: who knows lol

My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.

nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[later]

nurse: it’s empty

me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet

Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.

Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.

Them: your child is skipping a nap today.

Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!

“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago

It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third

I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”

That’s it. I’m done with people.

ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them

COP: yes but please don’t cup my face

Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”