Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.

I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face

[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”

-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.

Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”

Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.

In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.

*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*

Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it

Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”

Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”

*cop starts helping*

me: can I get a job application

mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience

me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these

Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”

Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.

You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.

Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.

When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.

say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets

Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?

Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?

How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?

Please say 12 years

I feel so good when I drink enough water. Not like, physically. I just feel like I’m better than everyone else

Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.

Me: I’d rather just confess.

Detective: To what?

Me: Whatever

Me to my children: I would kill and die for you

Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE

Them: Mr. Scholl-

Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR

Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s

Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.

I’m in a hotel and someone named Emily has multi mode turned on. Should I connect to her speaker and put on this playlist

Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.

The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open

INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?

ME: shape shifting

INTERVIEWER: is that so?

INTERVIEWER: yes

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

My 2022 Resolutions:

1. Don’t die

2. Race a sloth

3. Develop new trust issues

4. Offend more people by being myself

5. Don’t use hashtags

6. Keep tweeting crap like this

If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.

I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.